I haven't done this in a while. Write a wordy post that actually means something instead of just pictures. I do enjoy sharing my pictures here, but the reason I have a blog is because I wanna write about growing up. Being a teen. Being me.
I realize that people read this blog. Surprisingly. And they actually enjoy doing so. Which I'm embarrassed and flattered.
Well, today was... Strange? There was this Sejarah (History) talk. And I don't know what happened. I sat beside Ash. And then they were talking about their Athletics stuff. They as in Shelvin, Dhipa, YiWen and the boys. I'm not an Athlete. I don't qualify. The rest of them has been Athletes since Form 1/2. Well, YiWen is new, but that doesn't count. They're a big big family. And it's fun.
So they were doing Athletic things - The name list and checking out the shirt. And they were laughing and having so much fun. I just sat at the side and stared. I told myself I wasn't going to say anything, cause I knew things would turn bad if I did. But I couldn't hold my stupid tongue back. They were actually in the process of choosing one 'group signature name' whatever that means for their Olahraga (Athletic) Gang. Then I practically shouted: 'Yalah, choose it. Neglect me lah. Leave me sitting here.' I'm pretty sure I said more than that, but I forgot the particular words.
Then they laughed, caused I've played this card many times, as a joke. I was joking then. I really was. But perhaps 20% of it is true. Perhaps even more.
And they shooed Kuha away from his seat and asked me to move inside. I refused. They asked me why. I just shook my head. I was comfortable where I was. I didn't wanna move. I'm so bloody big and clumsy that I would probably step on someone or fall down on something. But then Kuha did move behind me and joined the boys and the seat was just there, empty. I was debating wether to move my humungous arse when Ashley, looking dark, stood up and moved to the seat. So now, there is an empty seat next to me with Shelvin on my right.
Now I felt even more awkward. I refused. And retracted to my own thoughts. I felt awful. Truly awful.
You don't fit in. Whispers in my mind. Then this line got on loop and my mood slipped away.
I'm scared when I'm in a huge group of people. I think I may have lost the ability to socialize. I don't wanna be loud and crazy all the time. It's tiring.
I was actually thinking about a poem then. I failed. The most lines I could write was:
When inspiration dies,
All I wanna do is cry.
My poem went down the drain. And I felt like crap. I'm utterly useless. USELESS. I can't do anything. I have not achieved anything. Not a thing.
You want me to list out all my achievements?
I can't. I don't have any.
I feel empty. Useless. Unimportant. Annoying. Loud and bossy but empty on the inside.
I don't know what this is. This could probably just be PMS or what.
I feel odd.
Good night.
Weird Angel
