Important. Unimportant.

Tomorrow is AGM for Lembaga Pengawas (Annual General Meeting for Prefectorial Board). And remember last year? I was so hyped up for it. And in the end, I got what I wanted. An AJK post. As Penolong Ketua Kumpulan B (Asst. Leader of Group B). You can read about my naiveness HERE

Yes, last year, I was young and naive. I thought that I would certainly get a Penolong spot. And use this to prove myself to the Form 5s that I am capable of handling the whole board. And maybe even the whole school.  And I thought that surely this years Kem Jati Diri Pengawas I would show them what I've got.

But I was wrong. I was very wrong. I still am.

Look, I'm about to dip deep into my frustration and feelings. So if I trample on your toes, please hold back. I'm gonna apologize to Yi Wen, Geng Ding, Zheng Guo and Koo first. I know I'll hurt you guys somehow. Especially Yi Wen. I really like you, a lot. 

I always thought that I would be Ketua Pengawas (Head Prefect). Yes. I used to. Maybe I still do now. I mean, its not like that I don't deserve it. Yes, I sound cocky and selfish. But from my point of view, I think I do deserve it. And I have so many ideas. On how to improve our Lembaga.

But of course, I am not a calon (cantidate) for the Ketua Pengawas post. I was disappointed when I found out I wasn't one of the four. Because during the interview, I basically told my seniors that I wanted the post. Obviously, they did not trust me. Did not like me. Did not think I was capable of anything.

I know. Under their attentive expressions, they were furtively hiding their sneers and amused expressions.

I have been hiding my frustration for a few months. I dare not tell my parents. And not even my friends. I know what they would say.
Parents: 'Good. Now you can focus on your studies. If they don't think you're capable, resign from Prefects! Hand in your tie! So you can have more time to study.'
Friends: 'Nevermind lah, Noel. Its just a post. No big deal. At least you have Ketua Kumpulan!' 

And I would just laugh and smile.

I don't wanna resign. Prefects is my life. I never put anything before Prefects. I love the thrill of it. But of course, my results have shown that Prefects really has been affecting my studies. And I hate myself for making it happen.

Yes, I may still have Ketua Kumpulan. But its the only post that's really determined by voting. It may change in the blink of an eye. Do you know how terrified I am? I may lose what I have now by just one vote. No one can understand my fear.

Its always like that.

I just realized how worthless I am in the Lembaga.

IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO BE INVOLVED, BUT NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO BE IN CHARGE

That is precisely what's been going through my mind these few days. If you notice, I might space out for a few moments throughout my day in school. I am probably blaming myself for being stupid, worthless or useless. 

If Yi Wen got the Ketua Pengawas post, I would laugh and congratulate her. She really deserves it. Even more than me. She has the willpower to get down and do all the work. And she is really, really nice. 

But what I don't understand is, why the TWO BOYS? Why them? Especially one of them. Cocky, arrogant and full of himself. His only power is the one that the current (useless) Head Prefect granted him. Which is unfair, because AGM isn't even here yet. 

Now I don't know what to think. I don't know if I should regret all those sweat and tears I shed for our Lembaga (which will never be mine). And all those wasted time. All those precious wasted time. And that energy. 

I feel stupid. 

Dear God, please set me free. I don't want to feel so trapped and frustrated anymore. 

Now I have to put on a smiley face and pray that none of my other Prefects read this post. 

And if you do read this, please don't mention it to my face tomorrow. I don't want pity or kindness. It only makes me sad. 

I guess I'm done. 

Frustration is an ugly thing. 

Power is an ugly thing. 

Trust is lost. 

Happiness is lost. 

I need music. 

Frustrated and Lost Angel