I Am So Disappointed With Myself...

Yeah. I am. I'm unhappy.

I entered a chinese speech competition. I mean, I like it cuz I'm good at it... At least that was what I thought.

Ok. I know I wasn't prepared. But... I was really really confident. Probably because I never failed to lose. True. I don't like to loose. I never did. I... I... don't really believe it. Don't know what I'm talking about? Ok. I'll tell you...

It was yesterday.
I went to school for QM duty. 7.30-10.00. Then, went to library. Then, when 1.00pm came, I went to the classroom which they were holding the competition. I walked in without fear with A and S. We chatted with everyone there... BLAH BLAH BLAH

I was really chilling out. I mean, I had nothing to be afraid of. Ok, maybe I was a little scared of saying it wrong but I didn't really care... I was just there fooling around with my friends. Then, it started.

I wasn't scared. I was still fooling around. I even laughed at some of the juniors. I thought it was funny. Now, I don't really think so.

Halfway through, A and S excused themselves cuz they wanted to buy some drinks. Ok, I let them go cuz I thought my turn wasn't coming yet.

Then, after they left, and after the contestant finished speeching, they announced that it was my turn. Obviously I was shocked. I hadn't expected it to be my turn so fast. But I didn't let it bother me. I took a deep breath and stood in front of the judges confidently and started speeching. It went quite smoothly. I didn't say anything wrong, my actions were ok, I looked every judges in the eye, I was oozing with confidence.

After my turn, I kept fooling around. It was really boring there. I didn't bother to listen except for those strong ones. And they were quite good.

Anyway, after the competition, I was anxious to know the results. Duh, who wouldn't? But the teacher said that she would tell us the results next week. Ok, that was fine by me.

FAST FORWARD

Ring!!!

The bell rang for the end of the school. I slipped into my shoes (I was in Kemahiran Hidup just now) and walked out of the main gate heading for my van. It had a slight distance. I met up with Ei Ling on my way there. I smiled at her and we started chatting.

Then, she asked me: 'Do you know the chinese speech results? You got number 5'
I really was a bit shocked at first. So I said:'Oh. Really? What about you?'
'I got 2nd place.'
'First place?'
'Yin Yi'
'Ohhh... So? How you knew?'
'The president of the chinese club who organized this competition told me'
'Ohhh'
'Don't be sad la...' She consoled me. 'Competition is like this one la...' (Or at least she said something like that? My brain was too messed up to remember)
I gave a small laugh. 'Hehe... Its nothing la. I will just kill all the people who beat me...' I joked.
She gave an unsure laugh.
Then. I don't remember what she said anymore. We parted.

I didn't like the fact that I got a mere 5th place. I may sound like bitter. But I don't care. Its the truth. Why should I try to hide what I feel??
I do not like the bitter taste of loosing.
I have never lost. Especially a chinese speech competition.
Last year. I got 2nd place. Now? 5th. Thats total shit.
I don't know what happened.
Should I care?
Don't want to.
I feel like a failure.
I feel so sorry.
To Madam Heng... She was my trainer. She trained me to win. But now? 5th place. What an insult.
I feel so empty.
I like going for competitions. Because I like to win.
But, I really really really felt confident that I could win this.
My chinese is not good. That is a fact. But when I go for chinese speech competition... I feel that at least I can give something to chinese... Now?
I don't wanna give up on Chinese. I really really don't.
I'm loosing loosing loosing
CONFIDENCE

I wanna cry.