The Boy Problem

Hey, humans. Its a really really beautiful day outside.

Sun is shining, 

You can practically smell the sunshine!

This is the kind of day that people write in songs. Well... That ain't happening today, surely. I honestly should be outdoors... Doing... Exercise? 

Instead, I'm at home. Sitting in front of the computer. And the TV. On the couch. 9Gagging. 

God, I'm such a failure. 

Okaaaay. I guess you read the post title... And I shall talk. 

For those who stalk me on Twitter, you may already have realized that I have received a wall post from 'The Boy', after watching him being online for what... 3 to 4 hours? I finally got a wall post from 'The Boy'! It was pretty lame, 

I was like: 'Oh my *swear word* *swear word* *swear word* *swear word* *swear word*-ing *swear word* What the *swear word*?!' (Joyanne can vouch for that)

And... I didn't have time to reply him. I went swimming. Well, I was freaking out too. I couldn't even focus while I was swimming. I was stressing out all through the swim. I left it... Till 1am... Right before I was about to sleep. Well, I couldn't sleep. I was thinking too much about the freaking wall post. So I sneaked downstairs to reply your post. 

You posted this on my wall:

Happy New Year

and sorry didn't even say hi.

I typed that exactly the way you typed it. 

And I replied with:

Hi, Happy New Year.

Yeah, I feel like a mean b*tch. I felt like I had had the last laugh. 

But you know the funny thing? I still couldn't sleep even after that. I was twisting and turning in my bed. Thinking if I was too harsh. If I was too kind. If I didn't do enough. If I did too much. 

That was utter hell for me. 

I was so, so... Happy. I was... So... Delighted. My heart was thudding with the adrenaline that was there when I first fell for you so many years ago. The hormones, they wouldn't stop conquering my body. That you had actually remembered my existence!

But

Now it's all gone. 

Joyanne said you posted something on your GirlFriend's wall. And it was all whiny and capital letters and with a lot of TTs <-- Tears. 

Naturally, I was really, really curious. So, my babe gave me her password and I logged into her Facebook account. I was actually quite relieved that it had not much difference when I viewed it. BUT. I saw his post on his GirlFriend's wall. 

And I made the biggest mistake of my life. I clicked The Girl's profile. 

She had Timeline. She uses okay English. She plays Tetris Battle. And apparently, she's dating the hottest guy. (I apologize, Girl, if I don't quote you properly because I can't seem to force myself to type out your name and click your profile link.) 

Fine. I'll swallow that. I'll swallow the fact that you're his GirlFriend. I'll swallow the fact that you're hopelessly in love. I'll swallow that he loves you back. I'll swallow that you're shy enough to not put your own face as your profile picture. 

Whatever, Noel. Swallow it. Swallow the poison. Swallow the fire. Swallow the jagged pieces of glass. 

And the only thing which is really, really, really pissing me off, is the fact that I may bump into The Girl in Avril Lavigne's Black Star Tour. 

And, what the bloody *swear word*?! She bought the most expensive tickets! 

Okay. I can't type properly anymore. The emotions are eating me up. Rage? Fury? Jealousy? Unfairness? 

What I wanna say to you, Girl: 

'I wont try anymore. I wont try to love him anymore. You can have him. All of him. As if I even had any of him. I don't think I even wanna be his friend anymore.'

Now, I shall go to my room, and tell myself that I don't love you anymore. The speck of hope that was there was smothered, just like every other time. That... I'm unworthy of you. That I'm crap. That I wont cry for you when tears are streaming down my face.

I shall write a song. That will never take shape. 

I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost.I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost.I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost.I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost.I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. I lost. 

Lies. All of them. Lies. 

Why do you have to rip me apart, wing by wing, everytime?

Broken-Winged Angel